Not a word come from nothing

every love and discoveries ignited
I've been waiting for the next song to begin
I've heard this one too many times

Drunken Arturo in the plaza with the lingering handshake

Never can I erase from my mind the image of the birds within the gated side of the San Francisco monastery in Lima, pigeons or doves, I can't be sure, an incredibly massive crowd.
And you'd never see so many human bones in one hour... or your lifetime perhaps... until you are placed in a plane of decomposure already long inhabited, then you can feel that eerily pleasant vibe.

Present

The least I can do is enjoy whatever time I know I can't spend working, maybe I want to be physical and thoughtful without driving myself to a sweat every time as an attempt to forget why I'm still here. Repeating "I can handle anything, I can do anything" isn't enough and neither is outside encouragement and relating to others is just what pushes me farther from feeling comfortably human, and I'm trapped with limited language even among such vast vocabulary. Teetering imbalance from something to nothing, no one to someone, civilized self to primitive creature. I'm static, reception fleeting I am never human for long enough to learn a skill or a fact, or the history of one place, I retain the knowledge that I forever FEEL beyond words

Thoughts don't push lately

Poisoned daily encounters
chemical product or brain behind another face
hard to decide which to prefer
equally toxic and intimidating
it didn't used to be this way, though it's sporadic
and probably forever expected